Rebel Wilson Looks Good

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Amy Schumer’s declaration of unbridled womanhood comes in the form of thirty fascinatingly distributed extra pounds visible in these new pictures from her jog in New York City. If sprinting to get in line for the newest Big Apple pastry sensation is jogging. Schumer will be the first to tell you that she is not plus sized. Can’t you tell? Are you a woman-hating bigot? She’s a petite size six. A delicate flower weighed down by the smallest drop of dew. 

The thirty-six-year-old barrels, I mean, frolics with elfin charm, down the streets of New York City in black workout shorts and a white shirt rolled down into a potato sack tube top. Those of you wondering what giving up looks like should take notice. What could be a fresh post-workout glow suddenly looks like it has a very specific odor to it. When you come back from vacation and realize you forgot to empty out the garbage. Containing… I’m getting a whiff… discarded hamburger meat and a diaper.   

Schumer believes herself to be closer contemporaries to Taylor Swift than Rebel Wilson or Ashley Graham. A faux feminist revelation fighting for the right for others to be self-accepting blimps. But not herself. The fact that her efforts have put her career first and all other women fifty-thousandth is the best-kept secret in Hollywood. But mess with Schumer and you mess with what it means to be a modern-day gal. Assured yet teetering on a mental breakdown. Schumer can smile confidently knowing these pictures will garner headlines like “Amy Schumer’s Sexy Workout!” and “Schumer Slams The Haters With Revealing Top!” because people are too afraid to write “Dump Truck Attack.”

 

Photo Credit: Splash News

Tagged in: amy schumer, photos

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Kendall Jenner Stalker Retraining Order

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Those of you perplexed by who follows Kendall Jenner will be marginally interested to know that the answer is: Stalkers. Literally following her. Not black people looking for trend-forward t-shirts as previously suspected. The Daily Mail even claims that Jenner is “popular among stalkers,” which is all the fuel I need to get through this day. Thomas Hummel’s bad taste in women is now made public as the courts have slapped him with a restraining order against Jenner. 

The twenty-two-year-old Hummel states that he remembers Jenner from public run-ins in 1998 and 2008 – placing Jenner at three and thirteen years of age. In February, Hummel began sending Jenner love letters, which she promptly framed and hung in her bedroom. After making love to them. But when Jenner shockingly didn’t respond, Hummel started to keep it real in his transcripts, writing:

[You’re] an internet whore, cackling your way through life. 

and

You look like you’ve been fucking AHOLE Dog Shit in the sewer for years.

Nail, you’ve been hit on the head. Hummel is also convinced that Kris Jenner whored Kendall out to A$AP Rocky for cash. Kris turning tricks with her daughters’ taints? So we know Hummel has eyes and a pulse. Hummel must now stay 100 yards away from Jenner and stop his correspondences. 

Attracting the doting eyes of a stalker is the Hollywood dream. Allure that drives men insane. Before Hummel, a homeless man named Shavaughn McKenzie was sentenced to jail for stalking Jenner. Not sure what she’s complaining about. These are the best prospects any of the Jenndashians have had yet. Put a ring on it, Internet whore.

Photo Credit: Instagram

 

Tagged in: kendall jenner

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Kim Kardashian See-Through Nipple Town

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Retired porn star Kim Kardashian took a break from doing nothing to show off her girthy nipples in a transparent wife beater. “Leave me out of this” – Johnny Depp. She completes the look with Adidas shorts and high heels. When you marry a gay man with a passion for fashion, you end up looking like a busted drag queen halfway through changing after soccer practice. Actually, that’s an insult to drag queens. They would never wear boobs that look this fake.   

Kardashian is a pro at using her tits to change the conversation. With her 2007 sex tape, she changed the conversation from “Who’s she?” to “Oh there’s that whore.” The thirty-six-year-old recently took to Snapchat to dispell rumors that she was doing lines of coke in her hotel room. Duh guys. Coke is an appetite suppressant. In these new pap pics, Kardashian bares her conversation pieces while leaving a studio in New York for a “photo shoot.” Presumably for Centaur Enthusiast Magazine. She shields her eyes as if not expecting the world to clamor over her mocha nipples. We’ve been trained to care. Must see big Kim K. milk bags. 

If nothing else, the Kardashians are strengthening the correlation between nipples and celebritydom. You want to make it in this biz, do a slut stroll through New York with your tits clearly visible in a see-through top. Unfortunately, this advice all-too-often reaches the wrong celebrities. But general guidelines are becoming the rulebook. I hope you’re reading this, Alexandra Daddario. Or anyone more fuckable than Kim Kardashian. So, anyone. 

 

Photo Credit: Splash News, Backgrid

Tagged in: kim kardashian, photos

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Convicted Felon Cashes In

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Once a woman receives over 200 likes on Instagram she’s a goner, fully immersed in a self-inflated stratosphere of high hopes an average relationship will never reach. Now it works both ways. Instagram has finally closed the relationship equality gap. Photographs have surfaced of convicted felon Jeremy Meeks playing tonsil hockey with heiress Chloe Green on her yacht. Mrs. Meeks was not pleased to say the least. She’s filed for divorce. She should have known when her husband was upgraded from pedestrian with a verified official checkmark next to his IG account. Ladies who pray for tax return blessings after living check to check for 51 weeks out of the year, all while repeating phrases like love don’t cost a thing, Mr. Meeks is not checking for you. 

But what about true love? What could possibly break up a happy home? A butterface worth a billion dollars is what. It’s not clear whether Meeks truly found love elsewhere with new Topshop British billionaire Chloe Green or just jumped at the idea that his current wife couldn’t supply a billion dollars worth of top ramen from commissary if he had ever found his way back into incarceration. Either way, Meeks is living the good life. Child support and alimony ain’t a thang now that the big boy checks are rolling in.

Tagged in: billions, chloe green, topshop, jeremy meeks, prison model, felon, felon model, billionaire, billionaire affair, melissa meeks

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Alicia Vikander Ripped Teenage Boy In Bikini

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While hanging out on a yacht in Ibiza, Alicia Vikander flaunts her new body ahead of her role as a sixteen-year-old male Olympic diver. Or as the white Serena Williams. The details are still under wraps. The future Ms. Lara Croft is intended to be a younger, less sexualized version of a movie character immortalized by Angelina Jolie’s big tits. But the Oscar-winning Vikander is never one to half ass a role. Why be a young fuckable tomb raider when you can look like your biggest worry is where to hide your jizz sock so your mom won’t find it after soccer practice. 

The paps caught the bikini-clad Vikander soaking up the sun alongside boyfriend Michael Fassbender. He watched Friday Night Lights and thought ” I want that. But with a vagina.” Vikander’s look is in stark contrast to the forty pound naked robot she played in Ex-Machina. She’s graduated to being the Terminator. In a polka dot bikini.

Media sites are touting Vikander’s buff bod, using words like “toned” and “athletic.” Few variations of thinness are starved of praise. Except for Tara Reid. You can’t look like the product of a drunk night between a gnarled Barbie and Silly Putty. Tomb Raider producers wanted a feminist hero who would translate well to body positive millennials. But feminists can’t look like women. Jolie’s Lara Croft was obviously a prostitute. Vikander is the future of sexy. Sturdy and able to take a punch.

 

Photo Credit: Splash News  

Tagged in: alicia vikander, photos

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Bella Thorne Blew Man Group and Shit Around the Web

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Paula Bulczynska titties of the day (DrunkenStepfather)

Iggy Azalea assless latex outfit (TMZ)

Emily Ratajkowski downblouse nipple peek (TaxiDriverMovie)

Bella Thorne naked bathtub fun (Egotastic)

Danielle Layman used not so hot idea of Craigslist to hire a Hitman (CaseyAnthony)

Ashley Wagner‘s butt for ESPN Body Issue (EgotasticAllStars)

Kirsten Dunst beautiful cleavage action (Popoholic)

Josephine Skriver is the hottest Instagram model (HollywoodTuna)

Where to See This Weekend’s Stars Nude (Mr.Skin)

Twenty Questions with porn newbie Penelope Reed (Fleshbot)

Tagged in: links, iggy azalea, bella thorne, kirsten dunst, josephine skriver, emily ratajkowski, mr. skin, paula bulczynska, link dump, penelope reed, ashley wagner

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Rataj-Titty Discrimination and Corrine Olympios Rape Not Rape on the Last Men on Earth Podcast #92

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There is no slow season for narcissism and self-importance. The minute there’s a fat dollar sign haloed over your dome there are any number of people convincing you your shit doesn’t stink. Privileged people have assistants who assure them they’re genius. Their voices must be heard. Sweet Tweet, boss. Golf clap. You’re cured alt-rightness. We’ll take a rest when that phenomenon of human nature discontinues.

On this week’s Last Men on Earth podcast, myself and my chiefly pickled sidekick dive into Emily Ratajkowski’s insistence that her perfect titties are a roadblock to success, start the ticking clock on Rob Kardashian’s upcoming girlish suicide, discuss how raising your child genderless makes you both a male and female asshole, consider Jay Z’s gentrification, wonder where Disney’s historical revisionism might end, and consider the fact that Bachelor in Paradise rape is the only crime where false accusations have zero consequences.

Subscribe to Last Men on Earth podcast on iTunes or we’ll lock you in a chamber with Kim Jong-un and a vast platter of soft cheeses. 

Tagged in: emily ratajkowski, last men on earth podcast, corrine olympios

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Bella Hadid Serious Supermodel Nipples

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Picasso’s answer to Megan Fox, Bella Hadid, takes her nipples for a stroll in these new pics taken on the Alexandre Vauthier runway at Paris Fashion Week. Soviet-era garb with mesh tit screens will be flying off the shelves this fall thanks to Hadid’s infectious appeal. I mean infection. Bare tits on the runway tell the world that you’re serious about your career. So do red carpet vag flashes. The fashion industry version of the sex tape. 

The line between what constitutes an Instagram ho versus a supermodel is more blurred than the vision of Bill Cosby’s dates. Posters of supermodels are supposed to be plastered onto the bedroom walls of teenage boys with jizz adhesive. Environmentally friendly and fun to use. Instagram prostitutes sell green tea laxatives to fat girls looking to a have their cake and eat it too. And beef shank. The Instagram slut moto: Turn your body into a hilarious surgeon’s canvas then pretend you swapped faces solely with the help of a dab of Kyle Cosmetics. Use code BOTCHED for 10% off. 

Hadid killed the supermodel. She manages to look like the product of a Snapchat filter that layers the worst qualities of the Jenndashians onto a cadaver. What audiences apparently want. Along with her contemporary Kendall Jenner, Hadid is working to strip away “super” and “model” and replace them with “Nondescript” and “prostitute.” Respectively. But at least she’s smart enough to free her nipples. Distracts from everything else. 

 

Photo Credit: Splash News 

Tagged in: photos, bella hadid

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Sophie Turner Learned Oral Sex From Game Of Thrones

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Sophie Turner opens up to The Times about learning about oral sex from her Game of Thrones script. She was thirteen at the time. An age when a girl is either planning an Easy Bake Oven feast in her Frozen Elsa costume or dancing on pool tables for her abortion fund. The magnitude of Turner’s admission is contingent on her exposure as a thirteen-year-old. Corrupted or simply expanding on her Saturday night.

The first time I ever found out about oral sex was from reading the script. I was like… ‘Wow! People do that? That’s fascinating! I guess that was my sex education. 

If a school teacher handed a student a book on oral sex he’d be on the front page of the local newspaper with the headline “He Blinded Me With Science And Rape.” But the entertainment industry is more liberated. You’ll need to learn about oral sex at some point if you want to make it in Hollywood. 

Child stars have the ability to make anything cute. This extends until early adulthood or until they become alcoholics. Millie Bobby Brown could take a dump in Oprah’s mouth and Buzzfeed would provide the Top Ten other celebrities Brown should shit on. Number nine will shock you. It’s Bella Thorne. Game of Thrones stars spin gold with their interviews. On GOT they whisk us away to a dreamlike rapey land of intrigue. On late night they squirm around in their chairs next to a lactating Jimmy Fallon. 

The twenty-one-year-old Turner also addresses a highly-publicized Game of Thrones rape scene in her interview:

Sexual assault wasn’t something that had affected me or anybody I knew, so I was pretty blasé about the whole thing. Naively so. And then I shot the scene, and in the aftermath there was this huge uproar that we would depict something like that on television. My first response was like, maybe we shouldn’t have put that on screen at all.

The more we talk about sexual assault the better, and screw the people who are saying we shouldn’t be putting this on TV and screw the people who are saying they’re going to boycott the show because of it.

The depiction of rape in movies and television is more common than a character having two dates in one night on a CBS sitcom. Why else do you pay for cable. The oral sex confession seems like more of a conversation starter to me. But it’s hard to focus on the seriousness of exposing young actors to sexually explicit material. They’re just too darn cute.

Photo Credit: The Times 

Tagged in: sophie turner

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Michelle Monaghan Still Intact

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Michelle Monaghan was never supposed to be a thing. And she pretty much isn’t. But the world is powerless to an actress over forty who doesn’t register as emotionally exhausted Silly Putty. The forty-one-year-old Monaghan fits the bill for now. Her disparate Instagram posting style shows her age. A dream catcher, font-plagued motivational quotes, and age-inappropriate selfies say “Hello world, I was born before the floppy disk.” But Monaghan’s body hasn’t let her down. Her new Instagram picture proves to the world that her arms can support her body weight. A feather in her cap considering the same can’t be said for some Americans’ legs. 

The former off-brand Sandra Bullock found her time in the limelight thanks to a smattering of supporting roles in high-profile flicks, as well as her Hulu series The Path. I always thought the nose would hold Monaghan back. Good for her. She’ll be teaming up with Tom Cruise once again for the upcoming Mission Impossible: Holy Shit Who Cares. Monaghan is famous enough for the Internet to give a shit about her shameless Insta posts. A true measure of a celebrity’s clout.    

The #tbt in the caption, “Cartwheeling into the weekend… It’s almost here! #tbt,” could mean that trickery is afoot. Throwback to before or after you were ransacked by human embryos? But Monaghan has looked fuckable in two Instagram pictures since May, so we’re probably in the clear. She kept up a hot bod and showed her tits on True Detective The Path. Bullock kept clothed but had a highly-publicized divorce with a neo-Nazi. Both compelling career paths. But I’ll take Monaghan. 

 

Photo Credit: Instagram

Tagged in: photos, michelle monaghan

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