Open Post: Taylor Swift's Creepy UPS Ad

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Since there are too many unanswered questions with Taylor Swift’s frankly troubling new ad for UPS, and her poorly-received image reboot in general, I decided to make this mess an open post so hopefully one of you can enlighten us as to what exactly is going on. Does Swift’s coy expression mean she shat in the box? Is there a Taylor Swift turd in that UPS box? IDFK. I do know that her career has become the most hilarious part of my day.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Tagged in: taylor swift

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Baseball Dick Injury Delights

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Crotch injury hilarity permeating elementary school playgrounds the world over extends throughout adulthood, into old age homes, and even into heaven, where Jesus loves nothing more than a good ol’ sack wack for levity sake. Good spirits are just a dick and ball grab accompanied with a cartoonish “ouch” face away, as evident in this new footage of a photographer getting a baseball to the junk at a Boston Red Sox game

The man, identified as Wolf of Wall Street-era Jonah Hill, can be seen casually taking pics until Chin Strap Douche Face throwing the first pitch misses the catcher’s mitt, sending the ball straight for Hill’s groin.

Medically speaking, when the CDC categorizes you as “hilariously obese,” aren’t your genitals insulated in a luxurious layer of greasy fat folds? Basing this strictly on the Donald Trump statues. Which should be preserved. The photographer, real name Tony Capobianco, which has to actually be a fake name stolen from The Sopranos, is enjoying his time in the dick spotlight. He posted a picture of the incident to his Twitter account and has the pleasure of knowing he brought a divided nation together over the simplicity of the contact between man taint and a baseball. The true American past time. 

Photo Credit: TMZ

Tagged in: baseball

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Mr. Skin Podcast Ep 58: Amy Schumer's Breast & A Phoebe Cates Flash(back)

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The boob tube is back on top this week, with a scorching lesbian-tinged threesome on Insecure, and Jessica Biel getting some oral pleasure on The Sinner. Amy Schumer’s nude debut in Snatched is finally out on Blu-ray, and it’s certainly tickling our funny bone. Plus, we’ve got more sexy celebs on social media in this week’s Skinstagram segment, and a very special shout out from True Blood star Anna Paquin.

And in some personal Skin news, last week was not only the 18th anniversary of MrSkin.com, it was the 35th anniversary of Mr. Skin’s all time favorite nude scene, Phoebe Cates’ flash in Fast Times at Ridgemont High!

Leave us a voicemail at 484-SKINPOD or tweet a question to @MrSkin, and if we play it on the show, we’ll send you some Mr. Skin swag!

Links from the episode [NSFW]:

Tagged in: mr. skin podcast

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Emma Stone Battle of the Sexes in Marie Claire

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Emma Stone is one of those actresses that even people who hate people like. She’s a chick who can hang who happens to be model-gorgeous and weigh forty-five pounds. Because she snorted one time while laughing, Stone is just such a dork. One of the boys. Who calorie counts. Now that there’s wider acceptance for people who believe Jennifer Lawrence to secretly be a throw pillow, I feel like Emma Stone hater appreciation is around the corner.

Which is good. Because I think she’s the fucking worst. Stone covers the new Marie Claire, where she is interviewed by Sarah Silverman about her starring role as Billie Jean King in the upcoming movie Battle of the Sexes. It’s one of the few roles that I feel should have actually gone to real-life lesbian pioneer Eddie Redmayne. Instead, Stone uglifies herself just enough to get Oscar consideration. On playing a feminist pioneer:

I would say playing Billie Jean was a bit of a game changer. I am very nervous to communicate my opinions a lot of the time, especially publicly…She [Billie] is so direct and confident in the way that she communicates what she believes is right. To be able to step into that was a pretty powerful experience. It’s something that I still don’t feel entirely comfortable with, but it was also one of the great parts about playing her.

On how this role was different from her other one as the woman who tried to kill the Spider-Man franchise:

I have never really considered the physicality of a person or of a character. Maybe because I hadn’t played a real person–there wasn’t someone who looked a specific way or whose hands moved in a certain way. So that was what I focused on more than anything: building from the outside in.

On equality:

There is so much power to our voices, and we need to speak out. That’s something that I struggled with in the past, but it’s very hard not to feel galvanized right now, politically or consciously.

And on these political times:

Nobody is going down without a fight–for love and humanity and equality and coming together. It’s so inspiring to see marches and beautiful writing and creative work. There’s so much power and a grace coming out of so many people who have so much to lose, and the human spirit is incredible. That’s worth a fight every day. And I want to learn how to fight better.

Hm. I fear this didn’t give you enough reason to hate her. Like hating plain yogurt or air. Check out this video from Vogue if you want to get on the bandwagon. It’s miserable. And head to the gallery to see Stone wear pasties under a sheer dress. See, she can’t even do tits right. 

Photo Credit: Marie Claire, Popoholic, Twentieth Century Fox 

Tagged in: emma stone

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Zach Randolph Holding Weight

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It’s a no-win situation for inner city athletes and entertainers who make it super fucking big. Either they ditch their old hoodlum backstory and they’re called sell outs. Or they spend their down time with the Crips and wind up being multi-millionaires involved in 7-Eleven frozen burrito armed robbery investigations.

The latter would be Zach Randolph. A dude with $175 million in career earnings and another twenty four coming for his last two years of basketball hanging at a broke-down public housing project party in Watts with weed and guns. You might’ve come from ISIS controlled desert; you’re not going back unless you’re kidnapped. Syrian refugees know better.

Police came to break up the inner city block party and figure out which parolees were packing. There was a mad scramble followed by a mini-riot in which cop cars were slashed and shattered. Cops had to call in backup to form a battle line to quell the angry crowd. That’s when they snatched up Randolph holding two pounds of weed. That’s Robert Parish long weekend amounts of stank. Also enough to get you on felony intent to sell, even if Randolph clearly isn’t bagging eighths for sales outside schoolyards. You can get away with a solid personal use amount of weed in Cali. Big bricks in a knapsack will still get you busted at a riot.

Randolph posted $20,000 bail and was released from L.A. County jail with a big ass smile on his face. Half the NBA players are noteworthy pot smokers. Most aren’t hanging late night on 114th Street in South Los Angeles. He’s not even from L.A. Assume Randolph’s just not very good at summer vacation. Keep smiling. Rich celebrities never do time. 

 Photo credit: TMZ

Tagged in: video, zach randolph

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Eating Meat Equals A Marvelous Life

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Remember the time that awkward girl at the office tried celibacy. She was angry all of the time due to her lack of physical loving. That’s basically vegetarians and vegans. Except substitute sex with food. Had she put meat in her mouth she could have relaxed. She can apply those same words of wisdom when she tries to hop on the vegan trend train next week. Of course, because some celebrity in a magazine told her to. Heavyweight vegan lifestyle influencers like Olivia Wilde spew anti-animal eating propaganda into the public. Now we’ve got a study to back up the obvious:

A study from across the pond found that our otherwise jolly counterparts—the British—are sadder when they don’t eat meat. The study, which reviewed the eating habits of 10,000 Britons and was published in the Journal of Affective Disorders, determined that vegetarians and vegans were up to twice as likely to suffer from depression. Researchers caution that meatless diets often lack in vitamin B12, which may be linked to ailing mental health. They found that over half of the vegans and 7 percent of the vegetarians surveyed were B12 deficient.

Celeb vegetarians and vegans don’t choose that lifestyle because they care about animals. Eating leaves all day in lieu of meat will make you thinner. And Hollywood is a pretty pretentious place. No roles for women with rolls. Hammies like Rebel Wilson scoring leads are exceptions.It’s mostly an audience laughing at her, than with her. But she does look pretty content after having her fair share of pork in life. If scientific study states eating bacon makes the world a better place, do your part. I don’t want any female actresses angry and suffering from the lack of necessary daily nutrients. Ditch those diets. Have a single slice of bacon for your only meal of the day. You’ll thank me later.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Tagged in: vegans, vegetarians

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Sinead O'Connor Ran Away to Travelodge (VIDEO)

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It’s hard poking fun at people with a real mental illness. But I’m going to try my best.

Sinead O’Connor has been an outspoken and bravado pain in the ass since long before she was purely crazy. Sometimes people are assholes for years before we later learn they were suffering from serious, diagnosable mental health problems. Then you feel kind of bad. But if it was your dog they lit on fire to protest conditions in a nation you’ve never heard of, you feel less kind of bad.

O’Connor’s particular brand of crazy has left many victims in her wake. Forget about the four ex-husbands. Who the fuck marries Sinead O’Connor? But the four kids by different men, all now either grown and gone from her madness or in state custody due to her erratic and dangerous behavior, they probably have some stories.

O’Connor has been the kind of nuts where she forever talks about suicide but somehow mostly takes her lashes out on other people. Outside of her own family destruction, she famously ripped up the photo of the Pope on SNL, decided she didn’t need to pay her overdue taxes, and somewhat out of the blue accused Arsenio Hall of being Prince’s drug dealer. Hall sued for five million just to make her stop saying that shit. She apologized and quit. Not that she has five million. Her ex-manager and long ago boyfriend is suing her for half a million for terminating their deal without warning and defamation. The Irish tax authority took the rest in forced liens.

In the past few years O’Connor has repeatedly taken to Facebook from various motels and lodgings insisting she’s being mistreated, abandoned, and bullied by everyone around her. So, threats of suicide to punish. Pretty classic bipolar. Off the meds. Her latest social media selfie video from a Travelodge in Hoboken, New Jersey where she claims to be living now. Alone, martyred, and betrayed. Or like every other tenant of the Travelodge in Hoboken.

O’Connor’s obviously ill. And quite possibly based on her own accounts, she was sexually abused as a kid. Probably likely related. Once you move past that little tidbit, you face a disturbingly self-involved pity party looking a shit ton like Bullet Tooth Tony from Snatch.

Talking over and over about how miserable you are is huge turnoff. Even if factually correct. As long as we have sub-Saharan African kwashiorkor kids you’ve never going to medal. If they had Facebook, they’d probably do something other than blubber in a Jersey motel. Things like, asking for food, or help getting the fuck out of sub-Saharan Africa.

Tagged in: video, sinead o’connor

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Amber Heard Loses Another Billionaire

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When you’re a billionaire, there are a billion reasons to break up. I’d break up with a broad if she breathed too hard. There’s no limit in relationships when you can buy love and women. Or buy women things so they can tell you they love you. Same equation really. Same end results. I still don’t understand why it’s illegal to directly pay for the product you want. Why do you have to take her on dates first? Either way, Elon Musk decided to avoid the illegality and efficiency of soliciting sexual services. He chose Amber Heard as an exclusive girlfriend. Which he then broke up with. But who really didn’t see that coming? 

“The timing wasn’t good for them,” the source told the magazine. “He’s super busy and works all the time. Amber is filming [Aquaman] in Australia until October. She’s in no position to settle with him. She feels her career is just starting.” 

Amber Heard won the lottery and then lost her ticket. She lucked up with a billionaire that could build his own girlfriend if he wanted to. And somehow she still found a way to get dumped by real life Tony Stark. In the history of sleazy female activity, if there ever was an okay time to fake a pregnancy, this would be that time. Her next lover will only have a fraction of Elon’s wealth and IQ even if they are a celebrity. Her ex-lover already fits that quota by being a financially challenged Johnny Depp. It’s funny that she considers landing a billionaire as settling for someone. Musk is a revolutionary. Amber films secondary roles in Marvel superhero films that no one ever cared to read the comic of. Aquaman over Elon, really? Great choice Amber.

Photo Credit: Instagram / Splash News

Tagged in: elon musk, photos, amber heard

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Rousey Too Lousy For UFC, Hello WWE

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In a sea of roided up rug munchers, Ronda Rousey was a Cinderella. The girl you wanted to see win. Many of her competitors looked like their bulges were tucks. Most having cornrows and piles of muscles didn’t help their case in convincing the crowd it said female on their birth certificates either. Still UFC ringleader Dana White has been pretty open about his displeasure with Rousey. 

As for a comeback a year or years down the road, White didn’t sound particularly interested in that either.”I don’t know if I’d want her to,” he said. “The way she came in, the way everything went? It was perfect. I’ve never been one of those promoters that looks at, ‘Oh, imagine how much money I can make if Ronda Rousey comes back’ or the Chuck Liddells, all those guys. I’m actually the guy who, when somebody even hints at retiring, says, ‘I think you should retire.'”

To be finished in 48 seconds would make any woman angry. But luckily a guy isn’t responsible this time when it comes to the upset. Her career was quickie just like the fight that ended it. Claiming the transition to the WWE is an evolutionary career step up is everything short of the truth.

It’s just a matter of time before Ronda Rousey officially signs with Vince McMahon — so says WWE legend, Jim Ross, who says it’s a “match made in heaven.” “Oh, she’s gonna be a big star,” … “It’s inevitable. I see her in a WrestleMania someday.”

Will horny guys still watch and support your efforts? Of course. Only this time when you win the feeling will feel more fraudulent than that breakaway chair on your back. There’s still money to be made Ronda. And the money is what matters. Floyd Mayweather was about to sell his legacy on eBay to pay 2015’s tax if the McGregor fight didn’t get scheduled. Don’t feel bad, champ. At least it’s not Mexican wrestling. No one wants a Rakishi to the face while feeling the wrath of frijole laced farts.

Photo Credit: Backgrid / Getty

Tagged in: ronda rousey, photos

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Screech Downs Lip Dip, No Chaser

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What average people do on a dare makes life a little more exciting. What washed up celebrities do for money is downright nasty. Saved By The Bell Actor Dustin Diamond chose to be a disgusting dude, all for the love of more dollars. About 25 more dollars. It was probably worth it. The last time he was in the news it was for stabbing a man at a Wisconsin bar on Christmas day. Before that, it was for shopping around a sex tape that included a “Dirty Sanchez”. He later said that he used a stunt dick for his porno. Screech can’t even bang chicks unless he’s using someone else’s dick.

Dustin chose to ditch the final shred of his dignity on a comedy game show at The Rialto Theatre. The only thing funny here is the choices he made in life that put him in a position to swallow someone else’s used chewing tobacco. Fake an injury. Sue someone for a pain and suffering payout like any other normal American strapped for cash.

The challenge was to take a shot — but it was 50/50 odds whether it would be bourbon or someone’s chewing tobacco spit. It didn’t seem to matter to him, though … as long as it resulted in the audience buying some of his merch — Dustin had already earned his 25 bucks BEFORE he took the shot of spit

It may have been 50/50 on actually swallowing the spit out substance, but the odds were 100% stacked against Dustin to get laid by any lady in that room who watched. Announcing that you’re doing something dumb in hopes people purchase your merch after is a worn out tactic. This isn’t Jackass. You have to be strung out on a Steve-O level of drugs to not even hesitate. Even after winning the $25 he still swallows the spit. What kind of backward thinking is buying merch from a man who knowingly swallows another man’s spit. Listen to that crowd cheer. This was obviously your venue to shine, Dustin. Just think how much profit he made in the back alley afterward, doing the exact same thing. 

 

Video Credit: TMZ Photo Credit: RedLightDistrict/NBC Productions

Tagged in: dustin diamond

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