Tori Spelling Slip and Fall Payout


Tori Spelling settled with Benihana restaurant for that Easter 2014 luncheon where she took a tumble and tried to save herself by grabbing onto the sizzling hot hibachi grill. If you’ve ever been to Benihana or similar restaurant wasted drunk, you’ve almost done this several times yourself. Spelling claims she was sober. Maybe a little mimosa. 

Who knew a smoking flat top that cooks beef in sixty seconds of chef’s spatula tricks would also burn human skin. Spelling was between baby number four and nine at the time, with her out of work Canadian cheating husband trying to figure out how to pay the rent. Her mom’s worth a few hundred mill, but Tori Spelling insists on being a self-made woman. Meaning, she owed a ton of back rent and had to move the family. Also, she had to figure out how to score a free Easter meal.

As far as slip and fall accidents go, you can’t go wrong with the smell of burning flesh in front of fifty witnesses. Spelling admitted the stumble was of her own making. Her suit focused on the unprotected cooking surfaces. Since that’s the very staple of Benihana restaurants, a settlement was reached. This could stave off the need for Spelling to commit to any more Jenny Garth and Tori Spelling Lifetime specials. Or husband Dean applying for disability after Tori snaps his humerus to cover the Whole Food bills.

If there’s a lesson to be learned here, it’s if you’re broke and have five kids with an unemployed Canadian, choose your holiday dining options wisely. Check for deep insurance and a history of previous settlements. Nobody wants to be known as the restaurant that made Tori Spelling look even more like a cooked fish.

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Photo Credit: Splash News 

Tagged in: tori spelling


Jenna Bentley And The Runaway Boob


Sometimes body parts have a mind of their own. And some women aren’t as well endowed as Jenna Bentley when it comes to chesticles. She managed to upset so many massive mammary loving men in her fan base when she announced possibly getting a breast reduction because of an unruly boob. How selfish. Her 36E melons are all natural and assaulted her while out on a job. You can imagine how upsetting it is to get a titty in your face during work hours. Just kidding. If I could start every Monday that way I’d be such a better man. 

“The other week I was sprinting down the beach in California. I was just wearing a bikini but just wanted a fast run out. It was a beautiful morning and the sun was rising. I was going full pelt, leaping over the waves on the shore when suddenly I felt something heavy smack against my chin.” “It felt like I’d been sucker-punched and it knocked me off balance and I fell over. No one else was around and when I looked down I saw my right boob had come out,” she said. “It was like someone had thrown an uppercut at the exact moment I jumped a wave. It could have knocked me out.”

Fun fact. Did you know that besides being a model Jenna is also a musician, songwriter, choreographer and DJ? Do you really even care what talents she possesses outside of those gnarly super sized knockers that almost knocked her out cold? Yeah, me neither. She says her boobs pop out during work outs even when she wears a super-strength sports bra. I’m currently trying to find out what gym she attends. Not to be some kind of creep. Just to lend a helping hand in holding those puppies down while she gets really wet from working out. I’m even willing to help her shower afterwards because I’m just that nice of a person. 

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Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Tagged in: jenna bentley


Khloé Kardashian "Chubby And Tall" In Revenge Body Trailer


Khloé Kardashian gets serious about her fat body in the new emotional trailer for the upcoming second season of her E! series, Revenge Body. Where she gets revenge by showing us her body. No. The show follows tragic nobodies willing to take health and life advice from Khloé. So they’re obviously also stupid. The participants’ fitness journies reveal deeper personal struggles, and Khloé gets in on the shenanigans with:

My entire life I’ve been compared to my sisters. I was chubby and tall. I lost a lot of confidence in myself. I found a new me in this happiness and I want to share it with other people.

If it makes you feel any better, Kim’s probably tipping the scale in your favor these days. Like everything on the careening Kardashian timeline, the release of the possibly only successful Jenndashian show outside of Keeping Up With The Kardashians flawlessly follows the big news that Khloé is pregnant. But who isn’t pregnant right now. Khloé Kardashian the nutritionist, fitness guru, and therapist is a sign of the times. The faith we put in people we’ve never met who couldn’t get through the first page of a Highlights Magazine is bleak. But the amazing opportunity to be a joke on basic cable is probably worth any sacrifice. Khloé assures her pet pleb freaks:

I have the best trainers. I have the best experts. But it’s not just about a hot body. It’s about mind, body and soul, and changing people from within. You’re going to realize later how much you’re helping other people.

If anyone knows something about balancing mindfulness with a hot body it’s… not Khloé. 

Photo Credit: E!

Tagged in: khloe kardashian


Heidi Klum Seems Super Practical


Heidi Klum recently called it quits with her younger New York art scene boyfriend, Vito Schnabel. In deference to his father being a lauded modern painter and arthouse filmmaker, everybody generously referred to son Vito as an art curator. Sort of like how you working your NFL Prime Ticket Red Zone magic makes you a sports curator.

There were a bunch of fake stories put out by Klum and to some extent Schnabel’s people framing the breakup in a manner that seemed humane, yet entirely self-serving. None of them mentioned the fact that Schnabel was busted earlier this month at Burning Man for holding shrooms.

It’s unclear what’s more embarrassing. Being a lounge-about second-rate version of your famous old man. Attending Burning Man. Or being busted at a drug festival for drugs. The undercover cops nailed Schnabel on distribution charges to boot, which seems ridiculously on its face. Unless desperately trying to look cool by sharing your shrooms at Burning Man now makes you a major narcotics dealer.

None of this will stick beyond some kind of fine and community service, but it seems to have been enough to frighten off Heidi Klum, a mom of some number of Seal and other famous men’s kids, with a massive millions mainstream commercial brand name.

Therein lies the sexist double standard. Just a couple years ago Vito’s old man pumped a kid into his third baby mama, this time a Danish Victoria’s Secret model half his age. Nobody said boo. But Heidi Klum can’t be mounting a shroom dealing younger man or she risks losing deals. Come to think of it, that’s not sexism. But still, let’s call it that. It sounds better than rich people be fucking as they please.

Photo credit: Getty Images / TMZ

Tagged in: heidi klum, vito schnabel


Emily Ratajkowski Cleavage for Days and Shit Around the Web


Tallia Storm shows her nipple of the day (DrunkenStepfather)

Guess which celeb shared this full moon selfie (TMZ)

Cat Deeley nipples in see-through gown (TaxiDriverMovie)

Emily Ratajkowski fashion show cleavage (Egotastic)

Lily Rose Cameron‘s tulips in full bloom (EgotasticAllStars)

Mila Kunis busts out the bourbon and the bosoms (Popoholic)

Carmella Rose Instagram goodness (HollywoodTuna)

This week’s streaming skinstant video selections (Mr.Skin)

Ana de Armas‘ goodies in Blade Runner 2049 trailer (Fleshbot)

Tagged in: links, mila kunis, carmella rose, ana de armas, cat deeley, emily ratajkowski, tallia storm, lily rose cameron


Hailey Baldwin Leather and Lace and Shit Around the Web


Ashley Tisdale in a bra of the day (DrunkenStepfather)

Guess the Celeb: Beachin’ bikini babes edition (TMZ)

Hot gym teacher Shawnetta Reece awaiting trial for sex with student, mounts another boy! (CaseyAnthony)

Devon Windsor golden panties upskirt (TaxiDriverMovie)

Hailey Baldwin black lace cleavage on the town (Egotastic)

How do I get topless Ashley Hart alone? (EgotasticAllStars)

Alicia Vikander ultra sexy braless cleavage (Popoholic)

Lindsey Pelas loves to take selfies (HollywoodTuna)

Ladies in bikinis on trampolines in slow motion (Mr.Skin)

A nude Mars will leave you red (Fleshbot)

Tagged in: alicia vikander, links, devon windsor, lindsey pelas, hailey baldwin, ashley tisdale, ashley hart, mars


Dick Pic Gets Kid Show Yanked From Netflix


Creative people almost always find a way to incorporate a small piece of themselves into the things they produce. And that’s fine. As long as that small piece of you isn’t your penis. Or in this case an undeniable drawing of one in a cartoon that is actually meant for kids and not on Adult Swim. The show Maya the Bee has been pulled from Netflix for having an animated dick drawing inside of a log in during a scene. Netflix has taken the typical don’t blame the message on the messenger attitude towards the entire ordeal because parents are upset.

Salacious images are lurking in even the most G-rated of content these days. Be careful, or your poor child might be subjected something like what viewers of Netflix’s Maya the Bee experienced: seeing an outline drawing of a peen.

 I understand both sides. Sometimes an intern hired to filter through movies for filth forgets to do their job and stray dick may slip through security. Honest mistake. But in the same breath, I wouldn’t want my child watching a show where one of the animators is obviously on a sex offender registry. That or this is the animation industry’s equivalent of shitting on your boss’ desk on the last day of work. More than one person had to sign off on the dick being there. So I do believe there may be a possibility of some kind of undiscovered dick defamation syndicate. Kid shows have been using double entendres since forever. It’s typically hidden in the comedy though. This instance was a bit more blatant. If Netflix was smart they would use this to promote their new American Vandal program that’s obviously going to be funny for the first five minutes at most. An entire season long satire about finding out who keeps drawing dicks where dick drawings do not belong. Yeah, comedy is dead. 

Photo Credit: Instagram

Tagged in: maya the bee


Kanye West Weight Gain And Hair Plugs


Kanye West was caught by the paps barreling down a parking lot in Los Angeles looking like a random person’s dad, complete with an extra forty pounds and some grid-like action on his head that sure looks like hair plugs to me. Oh dad, you’re embarrassing me. But mostly yourself. Making Kim Kardashian look like anything other than a planet is difficult, but hubby West seems up to the challenge. The man in these pictures could put Kelly Clarkson through the ringer on a seesaw. Headlines aren’t fully going in on West, probably because compromised, washed-up gay rappers aren’t all the rage these days. But when your face is almost as wide as it is tall and you’re the owner of two hairlines, something’s up. 

I hope this new look makes it into Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I want to see an episode where Khloé teaches West to dress for their shared body type. Now that West is officially a Kardashian, he’s going to have to find the right bra size too. The Daily Mail is referring to this new look as “Relaxed” which must be British for “Red Flag.” For the first time in my life, I turn to superstar wife abuser Spencer Pratt, who tweeted “Yeezy and Rob looking like twinzies.” Being fattened up for the Jenndashian coven’s next sacrifice? Only time will tell. 

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Photo Credit: Splash News, Backgrid

Tagged in: kanye west, kim kardashian


Open Post: Kardashians Recreate Intro Ten Years Later, And How Is Kris Jenner Not In Jail?


If turning your kids into an army of factory reject Bratz Dolls – with the exception of one spherical psychopath with an affinity for A-list sex worker Blac Chyna – isn’t child abuse, the laws need a tune-up. The difference between the original intro to Keeping Up With The Kardashians (below) and this new tenth-anniversary recreation (above) is just damn unholy. Will they even register as humans in the next one a decade from now?

Photo Credit: E! YouTube

Tagged in: kendall jenner, rob kardashian, kim kardashian, keeping up with the kardashians, kylie jenner, khloe kardashian, kourtney kardashian, kris jenner


Female George Clooney Cries Four Times A Day


George Clooney has proudly come out as a biological female after proclaiming that he cries four times a day over the pressures of motherhood. What does having a vagina feel like George? The fifty-six-year-old actor and thirty-nine-year-old Amal Clooney mashed fluids to produce twin babies in June of this year. While my guess is that there are hundreds of illegitimate little George Clooneys running around Thailand, this is the first go around that he’s branded himself as a doting husband and father: 

I cry more than they do. I cry four times a day right now, because I’m so tired…All they want to do is eat, so I have nothing to give them except a bottle once in a while and they’re happy about that, but it’s mostly Amal for them at the moment. I don’t even really understand what’s going on.

The responsibility of not taking care of your kids while your wife suffers tit destruction would get to the best of us. Not to mention that celebrities publically getting their periods over parental duties often aren’t acknowledging the forty-five live-in maids getting shat on 24/7. Clooney continues his “I care about people besides myself” era with:

They’re back in L.A. right now, and their mom sent these pictures this morning…He’s twice the size she is. He’s a moose and she’s just this little tiny beautiful thing.

Careful George, you’ve got eighteen more years until you can make a move. Here are some pictures of two old women at the Venice Film Festival.

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Photo Credit: Getty Images

Tagged in: george clooney, amal clooney