Future trainwreck Miley Cyrus is ready to release her new album this week, which should thrill her fans: ex-teenage girls, her 112 million IG followers (!), and any men interested in slutty, tatted former hillbillies. The album is sure to be an introspective, timeless rumination on … jk, she’ll try to imitate Lady Gaga however her countrified record producer wants.
The problem for Cyrus’ career is what happens next. Her handlers – or worse, her swarthy father – never told her that Shocking is only the start of your pop-culture ascension, and doesn’t work in Season 3 Just ask Madonna, Marilyn Manson, or Ocasio-Cortez – after awhile, shocking and counter-shocking aren’t click-bait. Christina Aguilera has that big voice (and big guns), Lady Gaga has her LGBTQ army, Arianna Grande remains haf – but what does Miley have to build on, other than conquering the Skank throne?
The Young Singing Tart playbook says to start your career with over-sexualized videos and posts, dating threatening and unconventional men, and partying like the coin is never going to stop rolling in. Embrace your feminist side (where profitable), jump from cause to cause (“Help the Kidnapped African Girls!” “Don’t Kill Lions!” “Leave Crimea Alone!”) to foster disciples, and try to be a presenter at the Grammys or (if necessary) the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards.
Chapter 2 is a sincere rejection of your hedonistic lifestyle for religion, monogamy, and a sensible dog. Tell the entertainment press (and your followers) that you’ve outgrown these childish ways – because they have too! – and you’ve found a new way that coincidentally translates onto catchy, ghostwritten lyrics and sound-bite slogans that emblazon your merch.
But no-one told Cyrus what happens if your Newfound Religion doesn’t take – you can’t go back to rubbing your 30 yo ass against Robin Thicke, who has likewise been forgotten. And although your followers will surely dl your new album – or at least stream it – they won’t follow you to your next new cause, bc it won’t be new to them anymore.
Godspeed to your first OD-cry-for-help young Cyrus; in the meantime, here’s some picts …