For as much as we’re assured that German supermodel Heidi Klum is ageless, I can’t help but feel like she’s actually, like, full of age, and that it shows in every part of her body and face. Nonetheless, I’m sure I’m just crazy and that she doesn’t share more physical characteristics with a rocky cliff than a human woman. At least Germans are known for their winning personalities. If she is in fact past her prime, the seventy-four-year-old Klum will be the last to know, and just this week took to Instagram to share some kinky old woman lingerie pics on Instagram that we’re supposed to care about.
In the first image, Klum can be seen flaunting her legs – which have all the appeal of two Karen Carpenters attached to her hips – as well as her tits which she grazes with her veins. BTW sorry if this is coming across as mean. Ageism and German-bashing are the only two strongholds of acceptable discrimination and I want to get the most out of them before I can’t even make fun of someone for being old and German. In the second pic Klum shoves her ass in the air while sporting heels, and although the ass looks pretty great, I almost feel like a filter was used on this that could have beneficial aesthetic results. Nah no way. Anyway here’s Maria Shriver.
Lady Gaga has officially run out of causes to support now that the gays have gotten sick of her and the Dove girl sisterhood feel she took things too far with her weight. Her last-ditch attempt at supporting a cause is standing behind her aunt who’s been dead for a thousand years, as her new music video for a stripped-down version of her song Joanne states in dramatic fashion:
Joanne was my father’s sister who died at the age of 19 from the auto-immune disease.
My father was only 15 when she passed away.
For the twelve people who bought Joanne, this will surely be poignant supplementary material. Most of us barely care about our own dead relatives, but because Gaga is the nucleus and we are but wayward pleb electrons only sustained by her force, we somehow care greatly about her gross dead aunt. Watch Gaga hitch herself to whatever she thought would get clicks and let us know how much you miss her aunt in the comments. Or exactly when she transitioned into Tom Petty.
The recent Vanity Fair cover making the rounds for its body positivity – namely for celebrating Reese Witherspoon’s three legs and Oprah Winfrey’s three hands – was originally supped to be even crappier with the inclusion of James Franco, Vanity Fair representatives tell The Hollywood Reporter. But recently Franco was labeled as a sexual assailant – in addition to being a narcissistic gay-baiting opportunistic walking canvas of smile lines created by cackling at his own jokes – and was axed at the last second, reducing the number of stars accompanying outgoing VF editor Graydon Carter on the cover to twelve. Or eleven if you take into account the fact that Nicole Kidman was replaced with a painting of 90’s Naomi Watts. Honestly it’s getting embarrassing at this point. Here’s what the spokespimp for Vanity Fair had to say about dropping Franco’s ass:
We made a decision not to include James Franco on the Hollywood cover once we learned of themisconduct allegations against him. The films and TV shows represented by the actors in this year’s Hollywood Portfolio — which for the first time offers a behind-the-scenes look at the shoot — took the #MeToo movement in stride, offering strong women in leading roles, as well as strong men supporting them.
You will know that this site has been hijacked by Russians if I ever start to defend Franco against anything, but I do wonder what his accusers have up their sleeves, because Franco sure is getting stage four shat on by the industry without having any hard evidence against him, as far as we know. The fact that Franco is simply able to live with himself every day already proves that he’s delusional and suffers from some sort of psychosis, so I wouldn’t be surprised if the rumors were true and he forced his Pineapple Express into some teen’s face. Allegedly. Not innocent until proven guilty is so much more fun. I wish we had been doing this all along.
The first time rapper 50 Cent got lucky with falling into a large sum of money was with Vitamin Water. One declining rap career later he invested in Bitcoin and it paid off again. After releasing a terrible album that no one listened to he decided to take what little he made from sales and receive payment in Bitcoin. He managed to accumulate close to 700 Bitcoin at around $662 per coin. His $400,000 turned into around $13 million at Bitcoins peak and sits somewhere $7 million currently. Smart. But if he’s even smarter than everyone suspects he’s cashed in and pulled out from the Ponzi Scheme known as the first wave of cryptocurrencies.
The entire cryptocurrency market became overinflated the minute it made every headline month after month. The same guy who can’t explain what a blockchain is before has sold his house to invest in what he believes is the next goldrush. Crazy gains are over now that governments are stepping in to regulate and a tax every time the currency is moved instead of only when cashed out. Everything from Etherum to Ripple plummeted in January and the CEO of Litecoin doesn’t even believe in what he created. It’s time for the big boys to get paid and move on to the next.
Bella Hadid obviously isn’t PETA-friendly, because she stepped out on the streets of NYC sporting the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man carcas as a coat. Sick bitch. We shouldn’t really give a crap what Hadid wears on here, but we should be bothered by the fact that she considers herself somewhat of a style icon. In Hadid’s mind there’s some bougie barrier separating her from other flaming hot Instagram garbage, when in actuality the only things separating her from someone like Bella Thorne are a turtleneck and a lack of stage four crabs. Remember, Japanese sex robots can’t get crabs.
Both Hadid and her sister Gigi love to throw on eclectic high-end garb totaling thousands of dollars and strut around like they actually have places to be. Media outlets possessing no gag reflexes swallow every inch of their charade, with Backgrid captioning the pics with: “Model Bella Hadid shows off her keen sense of style while arriving at JFK airport in New York City.” KEEN? She murdered an 80’s American icon with her freakish robo strength and is now flaunting her kill. She’d end up in the same circle of hell as that hunter dentist from Minnesota, if Japanese sex robots had souls.
Hollywood isn’t the only place where the oppressors are hands on with the harassment, according to Stella McCartney the world of fashion is ripe and ready for a purge. If MeToo occurred in the fashion industry I’m pretty sure it would cause more confusion than actually righting any alleged wrong. Fashion is a female dominated scene and the minority of men that include themselves aren’t exactly into what’s in-between a woman’s legs. There’s no way any heterosexual man is reaching the heights of success in fashion like Tom Ford. That fact alone eliminates any suggestion that a case of the MeToos are occurring anywhere near a runway.
“It’s about time the fashion industry spoke up a little more,” said McCartney during an interview Tuesday at a Los Angeles concert event showcasing her autumn collection.
“We are nearly 80 percent women in the company, but I also like men. So I’m a big believer in equality,”
Fashion doesn’t take anything seriously and if MeToo were to catch on it would turn sexual harassment victimhood into a high fashion trend. Time would be up for Time’s Up before any brand could debut their 2018 spring/summer collections. Distressed denim inspired by a struggle to get away from sexual assault doesn’t sound good on paper or in practice. The entire movement appears to be suffering from a misunderstanding of the meaning me too. It doesn’t mean find clever ways to include yourself in something as serious as sexual misconduct just because you secretly hate men.