Muslim Terrorism Creating Great Deals to Europe

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If you don’t get killed in Europe by the the local baker radicalized at the corner mosque, you’re set to experience some stellar travel deals. Thanks to the massive swell of jihadists ushered into Europe’s major cities and a few limbless bloody bodies later, tourism from the U.S. to Europe has dropped dramatically. That bloody Sharia cloud has a silver lining in airlines dropping fares for American travelers to go visit the Old Country and its extensive metal detectors. You can do roundtrip to European capitals for $350 or less. Fly from L.A. to Paris for less than you can to Kansas City. The BBQ is better in K.C. But you’ll miss the No Go Zones. Both places eschew pork.

Similar patterns developed in travel deals to Mexico several years back when cartel leaders started cramping the tourism teade by hanging severed heads on freeway overpasses in Acapulco. That shit was supposed to be kept on the down low. Like family secrets you don’t air for guests. We don’t even talk about Uncle Ralph anymore, not since prison. If you don’t mind the small chance of being caught in a narco gun battle, the deals to Puerto Vallarta are downright sinister.

America does a better job of keeping its violent underbelly contained to non-tourist spots. Like Detroit. Thousand of people are being killed in the designated shitty neighborhoods of Chicago. Zero on the Miracle Mile. No Crips attacks on Rodeo Drive. That’s a solid eight miles away and out of gunshot range. You can’t stop the random nut job or Twitter motivated jihadist from shooting up a place every now and then. It’s when you invite in fifty thousand of those guys to non-assimilate in your fair city that your inbound airfares are going to plummet. 

It’s hard for many people to accept that for all the U.S.’s shortcomings, we’re still terrifically better off than Europe. It’s some weird nostalgia or fairy tale political idealism. Most everybody would agree we’re extremely better off than Syria and Europe is now merely Syria, with better restaurant options.

Photo credit: Getty Images

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R. Kelly Sex Cult Captive Releases Proof of Life (VIDEO)

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A cult’s not official until the perfectly coiffed milkmaids release videos insisting they’re okay and happy at the compound. 

R. Kelly fired back at charges he’s a Warren Jeffs with a wet play fetish with a hundred percent denial of all accusations. Also, trotting out one of the anointed sex tape stars begging her father to stop talking shit to the press. Let alone to Buzzfeed. That is pretty embarrassing. Like Time won’t take your calls these days. They’d accept collect.

In the video obtained by TMZ, Jocelyn Savage is seen on a park bench accusing her father of embarrassing her and their family by insisting she’s locked in R. Kelly’s upscale sex dungeons. Savage won’t disclose her location for fear of her own safety. That’s supposed to ease your mind as to her situation. Poor scripting choice.

Savage hints that her father knows the real truth of what happened that night she met R. Kelly. Like a sweet teaser for a sequel video. If it’s ass to mouth the second the clock turned you barely legal, I’m collecting the door prize. If it involves anything to do with aliens, I’m DVRing the entire series.

Amassing a stable of young submissive pussy at 51 doesn’t didn’t use to come with formal charges. Nobody called Clooney a sex cult leader. Or Clinton. And that doesn’t even count the many powerful men with the stable of young cock in Hollywood. R. Kelly ought to threaten to blow up everybody’s secrets. Also, play the race card. Why not. It’s like a Siren’s call.

You can measure the real weight of a startling accusation by the fact that even if it’s entirely true, meh, who gives a damn. Let Kelly be Kelly. Weaves aren’t cheap. This seems like everybody’s getting what they want.

Photo credit: TMZ

Tagged in: video, r kelly, jocelyn savage

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Kendall Jenner Jet Lag Undertits

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This weekend Kendall Jenner bravely shared her raggedy jet lagged body on Instagram in a shirt that’s downright modest for the Jenndashian clan. Someone’s on her way to church. We’ve already seen all that Jenner has to offer, but that isn’t stopping her from teasing her tens of millions of bot followers with ample undertits and visible Hershey’s Kisses nipples. The international woman of mystery captions the selfie with a simple “jet lag.” A private flight of pampering and unlimited herbal tea laxatives takes a toll.   

Jenner stands out from the Jenndashian coven because her “hourglass figure,” as the media is calling it in this picture, has fairly equal amounts of sand in the top and bottom. For now. Little sis’ Kylie Jenner has an hourglass figure if we’re including hourglasses when the sand has long settled. Like, her time is almost up. Which, it is. Maybe this is the new measure for celebrities. Once everything drains to the bottom we know their expiration date is up. Iggy Azalea is the Petri dish of leftovers you find in the back of the fridge.  

Public snafus will never hold down Kendall as long as she punctuates her Instagram feed with shameless tit pictures at strategic intervals. Lure terrible people to a private island in the Bahamas and leave them there to take frowny face selfies? Tits. Show black people how it’s really done with the help of a carbonated beverage and a smile? Tits. Sell dead rapper t-shirts for $125? Tits. As long as things stay compelling distributed, Kendall could get away with murder. Now, make sure you shrink this shirt in the dryer before giving it back to North West. She needs to start practicing. 

  

Photo Credit: Instagram

Tagged in: kendall jenner, photos

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Rebel Wilson Looks Good

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Amy Schumer’s declaration of unbridled womanhood comes in the form of thirty fascinatingly distributed extra pounds visible in these new pictures from her jog in New York City. If sprinting to get in line for the newest Big Apple pastry sensation is jogging. Schumer will be the first to tell you that she is not plus sized. Can’t you tell? Are you a woman-hating bigot? She’s a petite size six. A delicate flower weighed down by the smallest drop of dew. 

The thirty-six-year-old barrels, I mean, frolics with elfin charm, down the streets of New York City in black workout shorts and a white shirt rolled down into a potato sack tube top. Those of you wondering what giving up looks like should take notice. What could be a fresh post-workout glow suddenly looks like it has a very specific odor to it. When you come back from vacation and realize you forgot to empty out the garbage. Containing… I’m getting a whiff… discarded hamburger meat and a diaper.   

Schumer believes herself to be closer contemporaries to Taylor Swift than Rebel Wilson or Ashley Graham. A faux feminist revelation fighting for the right for others to be self-accepting blimps. But not herself. The fact that her efforts have put her career first and all other women fifty-thousandth is the best-kept secret in Hollywood. But mess with Schumer and you mess with what it means to be a modern-day gal. Assured yet teetering on a mental breakdown. Schumer can smile confidently knowing these pictures will garner headlines like “Amy Schumer’s Sexy Workout!” and “Schumer Slams The Haters With Revealing Top!” because people are too afraid to write “Dump Truck Attack.”

 

Photo Credit: Splash News

Tagged in: amy schumer, photos

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Kendall Jenner Stalker Retraining Order

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Those of you perplexed by who follows Kendall Jenner will be marginally interested to know that the answer is: Stalkers. Literally following her. Not black people looking for trend-forward t-shirts as previously suspected. The Daily Mail even claims that Jenner is “popular among stalkers,” which is all the fuel I need to get through this day. Thomas Hummel’s bad taste in women is now made public as the courts have slapped him with a restraining order against Jenner. 

The twenty-two-year-old Hummel states that he remembers Jenner from public run-ins in 1998 and 2008 – placing Jenner at three and thirteen years of age. In February, Hummel began sending Jenner love letters, which she promptly framed and hung in her bedroom. After making love to them. But when Jenner shockingly didn’t respond, Hummel started to keep it real in his transcripts, writing:

[You’re] an internet whore, cackling your way through life. 

and

You look like you’ve been fucking AHOLE Dog Shit in the sewer for years.

Nail, you’ve been hit on the head. Hummel is also convinced that Kris Jenner whored Kendall out to A$AP Rocky for cash. Kris turning tricks with her daughters’ taints? So we know Hummel has eyes and a pulse. Hummel must now stay 100 yards away from Jenner and stop his correspondences. 

Attracting the doting eyes of a stalker is the Hollywood dream. Allure that drives men insane. Before Hummel, a homeless man named Shavaughn McKenzie was sentenced to jail for stalking Jenner. Not sure what she’s complaining about. These are the best prospects any of the Jenndashians have had yet. Put a ring on it, Internet whore.

Photo Credit: Instagram

 

Tagged in: kendall jenner

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Kim Kardashian See-Through Nipple Town

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Retired porn star Kim Kardashian took a break from doing nothing to show off her girthy nipples in a transparent wife beater. “Leave me out of this” – Johnny Depp. She completes the look with Adidas shorts and high heels. When you marry a gay man with a passion for fashion, you end up looking like a busted drag queen halfway through changing after soccer practice. Actually, that’s an insult to drag queens. They would never wear boobs that look this fake.   

Kardashian is a pro at using her tits to change the conversation. With her 2007 sex tape, she changed the conversation from “Who’s she?” to “Oh there’s that whore.” The thirty-six-year-old recently took to Snapchat to dispell rumors that she was doing lines of coke in her hotel room. Duh guys. Coke is an appetite suppressant. In these new pap pics, Kardashian bares her conversation pieces while leaving a studio in New York for a “photo shoot.” Presumably for Centaur Enthusiast Magazine. She shields her eyes as if not expecting the world to clamor over her mocha nipples. We’ve been trained to care. Must see big Kim K. milk bags. 

If nothing else, the Kardashians are strengthening the correlation between nipples and celebritydom. You want to make it in this biz, do a slut stroll through New York with your tits clearly visible in a see-through top. Unfortunately, this advice all-too-often reaches the wrong celebrities. But general guidelines are becoming the rulebook. I hope you’re reading this, Alexandra Daddario. Or anyone more fuckable than Kim Kardashian. So, anyone. 

 

Photo Credit: Splash News, Backgrid

Tagged in: kim kardashian, photos

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Convicted Felon Cashes In

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Once a woman receives over 200 likes on Instagram she’s a goner, fully immersed in a self-inflated stratosphere of high hopes an average relationship will never reach. Now it works both ways. Instagram has finally closed the relationship equality gap. Photographs have surfaced of convicted felon Jeremy Meeks playing tonsil hockey with heiress Chloe Green on her yacht. Mrs. Meeks was not pleased to say the least. She’s filed for divorce. She should have known when her husband was upgraded from pedestrian with a verified official checkmark next to his IG account. Ladies who pray for tax return blessings after living check to check for 51 weeks out of the year, all while repeating phrases like love don’t cost a thing, Mr. Meeks is not checking for you. 

But what about true love? What could possibly break up a happy home? A butterface worth a billion dollars is what. It’s not clear whether Meeks truly found love elsewhere with new Topshop British billionaire Chloe Green or just jumped at the idea that his current wife couldn’t supply a billion dollars worth of top ramen from commissary if he had ever found his way back into incarceration. Either way, Meeks is living the good life. Child support and alimony ain’t a thang now that the big boy checks are rolling in.

Tagged in: billions, chloe green, topshop, jeremy meeks, prison model, felon, felon model, billionaire, billionaire affair, melissa meeks

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Alicia Vikander Ripped Teenage Boy In Bikini

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While hanging out on a yacht in Ibiza, Alicia Vikander flaunts her new body ahead of her role as a sixteen-year-old male Olympic diver. Or as the white Serena Williams. The details are still under wraps. The future Ms. Lara Croft is intended to be a younger, less sexualized version of a movie character immortalized by Angelina Jolie’s big tits. But the Oscar-winning Vikander is never one to half ass a role. Why be a young fuckable tomb raider when you can look like your biggest worry is where to hide your jizz sock so your mom won’t find it after soccer practice. 

The paps caught the bikini-clad Vikander soaking up the sun alongside boyfriend Michael Fassbender. He watched Friday Night Lights and thought ” I want that. But with a vagina.” Vikander’s look is in stark contrast to the forty pound naked robot she played in Ex-Machina. She’s graduated to being the Terminator. In a polka dot bikini.

Media sites are touting Vikander’s buff bod, using words like “toned” and “athletic.” Few variations of thinness are starved of praise. Except for Tara Reid. You can’t look like the product of a drunk night between a gnarled Barbie and Silly Putty. Tomb Raider producers wanted a feminist hero who would translate well to body positive millennials. But feminists can’t look like women. Jolie’s Lara Croft was obviously a prostitute. Vikander is the future of sexy. Sturdy and able to take a punch.

 

Photo Credit: Splash News  

Tagged in: alicia vikander, photos

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Bella Thorne Blew Man Group and Shit Around the Web

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Paula Bulczynska titties of the day (DrunkenStepfather)

Iggy Azalea assless latex outfit (TMZ)

Emily Ratajkowski downblouse nipple peek (TaxiDriverMovie)

Bella Thorne naked bathtub fun (Egotastic)

Danielle Layman used not so hot idea of Craigslist to hire a Hitman (CaseyAnthony)

Ashley Wagner‘s butt for ESPN Body Issue (EgotasticAllStars)

Kirsten Dunst beautiful cleavage action (Popoholic)

Josephine Skriver is the hottest Instagram model (HollywoodTuna)

Where to See This Weekend’s Stars Nude (Mr.Skin)

Twenty Questions with porn newbie Penelope Reed (Fleshbot)

Tagged in: links, iggy azalea, bella thorne, kirsten dunst, josephine skriver, emily ratajkowski, mr. skin, paula bulczynska, link dump, penelope reed, ashley wagner

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Rataj-Titty Discrimination and Corrine Olympios Rape Not Rape on the Last Men on Earth Podcast #92

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There is no slow season for narcissism and self-importance. The minute there’s a fat dollar sign haloed over your dome there are any number of people convincing you your shit doesn’t stink. Privileged people have assistants who assure them they’re genius. Their voices must be heard. Sweet Tweet, boss. Golf clap. You’re cured alt-rightness. We’ll take a rest when that phenomenon of human nature discontinues.

On this week’s Last Men on Earth podcast, myself and my chiefly pickled sidekick dive into Emily Ratajkowski’s insistence that her perfect titties are a roadblock to success, start the ticking clock on Rob Kardashian’s upcoming girlish suicide, discuss how raising your child genderless makes you both a male and female asshole, consider Jay Z’s gentrification, wonder where Disney’s historical revisionism might end, and consider the fact that Bachelor in Paradise rape is the only crime where false accusations have zero consequences.

Subscribe to Last Men on Earth podcast on iTunes or we’ll lock you in a chamber with Kim Jong-un and a vast platter of soft cheeses. 

Tagged in: emily ratajkowski, last men on earth podcast, corrine olympios

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